Open Letter to an Ex-Friend

Dear You Know Who You Are,

Normally this isn't my style. I usually refrain from calling people out in such a public forum, but I've always expressed myself better in writing, and posting this here seemed like the logical thing. Plus, it will save me the postage, which I certainly don't feel like spending on you right now. Some of this I said during our conversation on the phone earlier today, but I just don't feel like I got all of my feelings across, and I somehow think this will make me feel bitter...oops, I mean better.

As I type this, I can feel my baby moving around inside me. The same baby that is going to enter the world nine days from now with the help of modern medicine because of my high blood pressure that's been deemed to be due to "stress". The same baby that has me terrified. Terrified that I'm going to be a bad mom, terrified I'm accidentally going to hurt him, terrified that once he's here I'm not going to want to give up my old life.

Those are a few of the things that I've been trying to talk to you about the past two weeks. I've called, I've text messaged, I've IM'd, you name it, I tried it. I even sent you a message spelling it out for you in case you didn't understand. I asked for help. I asked for emotional support. I needed you to tell me it was all going to be okay, and that you would be there to help where you could. Your response? Nothing. The only time I spoke to you or saw you was when you needed to come to my house to use my phone, or use me as a go between between you and your brother. That's it.

I finally came out and asked you what was going on. "We're okay. No worries." was your reply. When I continued to get the silent treatment, it was clear that we were NOT okay. The day I found out that my blood pressure was high again and that I was going to be induced, you decided to tell me that you couldn't "be that person" for me, and that you felt like you had done everything you could to be my friend. That anything else would require a more "intimate relationship" and you didn't want that. You told me that being friends with me was too "difficult" and you didn't want to have any more uncomfortable conversations with me. Then you had to go to a meeting and told me you would be back in an hour or so. Before today, that was the last I heard from you.

Let's talk about how "difficult" this relationship has been for you. A few things come to mind that must have made the past two years with me in your life an absolute hell. Like the time I let you move in with me because you were having such a miserable time at your job that you had to choose whether to pay your truck note or your light bill. Or the numerous times I went and picked up your kids from daycare, fed them dinner, and saw that they did their homework and took baths because you had to work late. Or how about the week I took off from work so you could look for a better job (which you found), because you preferred that I take care of them rather than their MOTHER. Ooh...another one that probably made you miserable was how you came over to my house almost every Friday this last January and February, and decided you were staying the weekend, assuming that I had no plans. It must have been so hard for you. I know it probably sucked to eat all of those home cooked meals. Oh my goodness, I almost forgot about how many times I LISTENED to you. Listened to you talk about problems with work, with your mom, with your brother, with your kids, with your ex-wife. I'm so sorry that it was so difficult. I don't know how you managed.

You know the part that SUCKS? I was HAPPY to do every single one of those things. Every. Single. One. Even when almost every single person I knew told me I was crazy and being taken for granted. You want to know why I did them? Because you needed me to. You needed some help, some support, and you were my friend. My GOOD friend. And that's what friends do. I didn't do any of those things strictly because I wanted you to be my boyfriend. Let's get that straight.

I guess it is really hard to be friends with someone like me. Someone loving. Someone smart. Someone with a great sense of humor that matches your own. Someone responsible. Someone who wears her heart on her sleeve and wouldn't want to ever do anything to hurt you. Someone who doesn't play games, and is honest with you. Wow, I sound like a total bitch. I'm surprised I have any friends at all.

So today, you finally decided to call. While I'm almost certain that the reason behind that call was that you were afraid you wouldn't get your XBox back (because I'm just that sneaky and mean, right?), I'll give you the benefit of the doubt (for the last time) that the situation was weighing on your mind and you needed to talk. However, whoever told you that saying "The ball is in my court right now. I have to decide if I want this relationship to continue" and "I don't want any bumps in the road in the future. None of my other friendships ever have any bumps, but ours does and I don't want that" to a woman who has not only been there for you in EVERY SINGLE WAY but who is also nine months pregnant (and high risk, to boot!) gave you some very bad advice. That was a poorly constructed sentence, and I don't care.

What you said to me was so completely offensive and insulting, and I'm done. I'm done playing by your rules. You keep changing them and that's not fair. Half the time I don't even know what your rules are. You can go ahead and tell anyone who asks that you had to "break it off" with me because I had feeelings for you and you didn't for me. Make yourself out to be the good guy like you usually do. Whatever helps you sleep at night. There's no doubt in my mind that you'll think I'm just immature and crazy. Well, I know that's not true, and that's good enough for me.

One thing I'm certainly going to miss is the relationship I developed with your kids. I love those kids, more than you'll ever know. And you suck for putting me in a position where I had no choice but to become involved with them, knowing full well that you didn't give a damn about me. And the fact that they are coming for a three week visit in two days and I won't get to see them because you needed to decide if I was "worth it"? Wow. I hate you for that.

I'm going to email you a link to this post when I'm finished. You'll probably never read it, but I don't care. As a matter of fact, I think I'll print out a copy and put it on my refrigerator, because in three weeks, when those precious kids leave, you'll be alone for the first time since you left your wife, and I'll need a reminder of just how much of an insincere jerk you are when you start calling me again.

Good luck finding someone who isn't so difficult,

Me